The Depth of Fear
by Janazuul
Summary: Chapter 2 online!! Legolas returns from the elves' exile to Middle Earth, for peace won't come to him, as fear has gotten hold of his inmortal soul....
1. The Return

The Depth of Fear  
  
Chapter 1   
- The Return -  
  
Disclaimer: As usually the characters don't belong to me, its all from good old Tolkien...thank u, thank u, thank u. This is my first Legolas fiction, hope you will like it, it will be R, for later chapters, as it will turn out very dark and will most certainly contain quite some brutal scenes, though as for now it would pass as PG-13.  
  
Hope u enjoy it gimme reviews, lots of them if you want it to continue.... :)  
  
A strong wind blew into his face as he set foot onto the muddy beach. He inhaled the air deeply, as the wind tried to pull free the braids in his long blond hair, tasting the salt in the air, a taste that he had become quite accustomed to. He turned around and glanced once again westwards. The sea was calm and dark, though the moon shone clearly from the cloudless sky.  
  
As he glanced westward the wind blew from his back and twirled his hair over his head hindering his sight and so he pulled his hair back with one hand, while with the other he held his armory. The moonlight glimmered magically on the waves, a never-ending area of blackness, covered with seemingly a million pieces of moonlight.  
  
He sighed as his eyes followed the shadow of the ship that slowly shipped westwards back over the sea, where it had come from. It sailed back to where he had come from he thought.... He wished he could have spared himself that journey of returning here.   
  
As the darkness slowly swallowed the decreasing outlines of the ship he finally turned his back towards the sea and looked east towards the plain land. Middle earth, he had come back, once again he had set foot onto the shores of Middle earth. It had been more than twenty dozen years since he had left this land, since he had thought he had seen the shores of Middle earth for the last time.   
  
Now he was back, he had to come back, though when he had left with Gimli he had not thought that he would ever return. His thoughts remained on Gimli a few moments and he felt a warm gush in his stomach as he thought about his friend, so far from his own race but yet so close in his mind. Gimli had remained over the sea. This was something he had to do on his own. It was his fear, he had to confront it on his own. Surely Gimli would have accompanied him if he had asked but then he wouldn't have needed to return to Middle earth in the first place.   
  
He had to confront his fear alone. He felt reminded of Frodo who had been fighting his own devils after the ring had been destroyed. He could still see Frodo in his worst times, when his body seemed to react to his mental pains and his hand clenched towards and closed around the crystal, Galadriel had given to him. Of course the crystal was not the ring and it was hardly able to compensate Frodos urge to grab the ring, but it had helped him to control himself at least somehow. He had not been able to just grab a crystal around his neck to brush off what pestered his soul...what kept peace from him and made him struggle with himself in his sleep, keeping any peace from his molested soul.   
  
It was not that easy for him. He wished it could be, but then again, would he have been able to live on like that. Live on fully controlled by his own fears. Had there been any nights in which he did not wake from his sleep, all sweated and filled with an incredible fear that clutched around his heart and kept him from breathing freely. No he had to return, there was just no peace for him and there would be none if he did not confront his fears after all.  
  
Contented and somewhat excited he eventually shouldered his travelling gear and without any further back look he started walking towards the southern shore of the Mithlond, further north it would flow into the Lhun, but that was not his way. He would leave the Mithlond soon and walk towards Emyn Uial and pass it to the south closer to the Annuminas. Then he would reach his first destination, the Shire.   
  
For one moment he felt this cold grip around his heart again and a feeling that he had gotten used to darkened his mind.   
  
Fear.   
  
This feeling had been traveling with him ever since the fellowship had left Moria yet in the third age. He did not know then, though after Sauron had been defeated and his mind had no longer been occupied with the faith of the world of men and elves it had slowly hardened it's grip around him, slowly but unstoppable manifesting in his sleep and quiet moments.  
  
Fear..... he had never thought it to be a burden to him. No, he had not known fear. Many men had walked beside him barely able to walk due to fear, yet he had walked on steadily and given them comfort and strength. Though, no one was able to give him strength and comfort to confront his own fear. Even on the path of the dead he had not been afraid for then he did not fear that, what men feared.   
  
Now he feared and he had to confront that what had darkened his mind and soul for more than 240 years. There was just no peace for him. No peace alas he was to claim it from that which had stolen his innocence. Moria, he thought and tried to brush off all the thinking of his fear, it would yet come soon enough  
  
The night was clear and fresh and since the moonlight yet offered enough light for him to find his path he walked on, first silently humming then singing as he suddenly remembered the praising song of Lothlorien that Galadriel had sung, when the Fellowship had still been complete before Boromir had died.   
  
As he ended with   
  
Namárie! Nai hiruvalye Valimar.  
Nai elye hiruva. Namárie!  
  
He started anew and his steps went swifter and more contented as he sung over and over again. His clear voice filled the air and the sleeping nature around him woke from it's sleep, smaller animals rose their heads and blinked as his voice filled the air with beauty of a long missed time.  
  
An elf had returned to Middle earth. Legolas had returned.  
  
TBC.....  
  
So wanne know why Legolas has returned and what this fear of his is, that keeps him from finding his peace over the sea? Review and u shall be answered...*lol*  
  
Hope u liked it and consider this to be a cliffhanger....:) 


	2. Memories

Okay, here we go chapter 2 for your enjoyment. Things are flowing from my mind, so I might be updating on a weekly base, well, we live to see. So for those of you who really like to know what is going on, R & R, make my day...*lol*  
  
Thank you ribbetfrog, I have considered your constructive critic and changed it, thanks, I hope u won't find anything of that sort in chapter 2. :) d.t. I hope I live to your expectations....enjoy. And last but not least Lord...well u know it already....*hug* Now all of your brave readers, on with the story...  
  
Chapter 2 - Memories -  
  
As Legolas wandered under the clear sky and moon and stars slightly shone onto the plain land in front of him, he remembered how he last walked this land, more than two lives of men ago. Life was good then for men and all living creatures in Middle earth. Of course there still had been problems, but Aragorn had been a good and wise king and had prepared the plain land and minds of people for a new rise of mankind.  
  
Of course his own life span had not been sufficient to changed all that had happened since Sauron had first hardened his grip around the people and land of Middle earth but he had done a good deal though to undo Saurons black deeds. As Gimli and him had left the fields of Middle earth, mankind seemed well prepared to lead their race into another flourishing age.  
  
Many man had lived their lives since then, as their life spans seemed somewhat momentarily to Legolas. As he glanced forward, trying not to misplace his step on the somewhat uneven path he was walking on, he felt reminded of the day they had left and how the land had mourned about their departure.  
  
He still sang and in front of his eyes he once again imagined and beheld the beauty of Middle earth. He felt reminded of the incomparable beauty that Galadriel had created in Lothlorien and the way her presence had breathed life and beauty in all things and being when she had still lived in Middle earth. Most of that beauty had diminished after Galadriel had left.  
  
When he had left with Gimli, he had not looked back, and even though his heart had pained him, as he shipped westwards, towards the land that was now inherent his own people, he had still felt the pain of taking all beauty created by elves from Middle earth. He had been one of the last elves deserting the shores of the world of men and he could clearly sense that he was now the only Elf in Middle earth, as all nature around him woke from it's night's slumber and started whispering in his ears.  
  
He tried not to be overwhelmed by the nature's welcome and concentrated fully on his singing, even though he could not help it, being more encouraged and happy as he once again noted the sounds of Middle earth that he had long missed. He walked on, feeling more contented than he had felt in many years and basically inhaled the scent of Middle earth and craved for the sounds of his former home.  
  
This way he walked on for several hours, every now and then gazing up to the moon which seemed no different then over the sea and inhaling the scent of the night which slowly lost all salty flavor. He eventually stopped singing, as the sounds of his environment finally seemed more grabbing then the elvish songs which he had sung so frequently within the last years.  
  
As he started listening to the nature and sounds around him he felt happiness overwhelm him, but also some wariness, which first was only a slight undertone in the whispering voice of nature, but it became more and more pressing. The happiness vanished and the longer he concentrated, the more wariness became audible in the whispering wind and leaves that slightly moved in the wind and in the murmuring water of the Mithlond, which he had actually long left behind.  
  
Legolas became more and more suspicious as he tried to read the signals of the night and was only able to feel overwhelming concern and even sorrow. Finally all happiness seemed drained from the natures former sounds and it's happiness had been replaced by great sorrow and mourning. Legolas slowed his pace and quite concerned he looked around, trying to make out the outlines of the trees and bushes around him, or even the distant outlines of Annuminas far in the north east of his position. There was hardly anything visible and slowly Legolas' mood changed as the moon vanished behind some thin shade of clouds and it's light was devoured by total blackness. The stars hardly provided enough light for him to continue his night's walk. Suddenly Legolas felt very well reminded of why he had returned to Middle earth, as his steps slowed and his breathed came in short pushes. The darkness was overwhelming and it seemed to Legolas as if the stars started whirling above his head, faster and faster and ever faster they began to tornado above his head making him dizzy.  
  
Behind him.  
  
There.  
  
There had been a sound, had there not? Legolas turned around quickly, trying to remain calm, as panic slowly seized control over him. No, the sound was still behind him. Was it a sound at all, or was there somebody staring at him, someone dark and evil? A tickling sensation moved up his back and the tiny hairs on his arms stood up straight. Again he turned and in panic he gazed around, once moving right once left, always trying to find the source of his distress.  
  
Reason seemed to flow from his mind like water from a spilled mug and his ears were filled with the sounds of the night which echoed louder and ever louder in his suddenly senseless mind. The moon,.... the moon...... light.... where.... come... back. His mouth opened in a inaudible scream and he pressed his hands on his ears, gazing up to the cloud cover that had swallowed the moonlight as he tried to focus on just anything apart from that dreadful darkness around him and the sounds that molesting him. Darkness. Darkness. Darkness all around him and the light, the light was gone. It was gone for him, he was without light, the darkness would swallow him, engulf him, bind him.......bind him forever.  
  
He sank onto his knees, his eyes widened and fearfully attached to the clouds that kept the only source of light from him, kept him from saneness. His mouth was wide open, but not one sound left his lips as he gazed up terrorized. Then suddenly it was gone, the clouds unleashed the moon and the light seemed to pour onto the dark plain land and pulled Legolas back from the brink of insanity. Finally a sound broke free from his mouth as a hoarse, hardly audible scream filled the air. Legolas eyes became clear again as if he was only yet realizing what had befallen him. He slowly lowered further down, his entire body was shaking and drained of all strengths as he fell on his side, armory and travelling gear uselessly gliding from his shoulders. He pulled in and released his breath just as if he had run many miles at high speed as he glanced onto the ground only few inches from his eyes. It had never been that strong, Legolas had been caught totally off guard as he had been overwhelmed by his first impressions on being back in the country that he had been born.  
  
As he had composed himself a little, the trembling had almost stopped, he covered his face with his hands, dryly sobbing, feeling terribly ashamed of his own weak body and mind. He had always been strong and fearless but it seemed that the task that had been appointed to the fellowship, had not only highly charged Gandalf and Frodo but himself as well. Slowly but inevitably it had fed on his soul in the last 360 years, secretly and covertly it had created itself a dark place in his soul and it had grown. It had grown and slowly almost entirely without any warning signs it had closed it's grip around Legolas soul and hardened painfully, every now and then entirely spreading it's darkness in his soul, overwhelming him with fear and bringing him close to insanity.  
  
It had never been so strong though, and never had reminded him so forcefully of it's existence. Legolas slowly sat up and as his gear was still half way attached to his shoulders holding him back, he forcefully and with a burst of violence brushed it off. Then he remained seated, his head lowered on his knees which he embraced with his arms, staring onto the dry hardened muddy ground underneath his feet. The moonlight shone through a gab between his legs, slightly lightning the uneven ground.  
  
Finally he looked up again, avoided though to look directly at the moon and turned around to his travelling bag. He pulled it closer to himself and unpacked a rough blanket, in the elvish gray colors, a bundle of changing cloth and a small leather bag from which he pulled some stones and some fluffy material that he placed on the ground in front of his feet, before he slowly got up and searched the environment for small branches and dry leaves. As he had gathered a reasonable amount he returned and with the fire stone he flinched a glint from another stone and soon had a fired lighted.  
  
For a moment he gazed into the slowly growing flames and added some of the dried leaves and smaller branches, observing the flames as they licked at the leaves, creating red, glimmering lines on them as they were slowly consumed by the flames, allowing the fire to grow and creating a small bright circle of dancing light around it.  
  
He once again took his bag and searched in it again. He pulled out a small leather bottle and a some leaves which were obviously used as some sort of cover. He opened the whitish leaves and looked down onto some pieces of lembas. Automatically he broke off a small piece and started chewing on it. He looked at the lembas again and grimaced at it. It was not the taste, it tasted as good as ever he lacked of appetite and so he covered the lembas again with the leaves and tucked them into his bag again. He took a sip from the bottle and felt the clear liquid warmly flow down his throat. He fed the fire with some larger branches to keep it lit for the remaining hours of the night, closed his bag, sorted his armory and then used the bundle of his spare cloth as a pillow, covering his body with the gray blanket.  
  
He stared into the fire and wished the fire's warmth could replace the cold that he felt into his soul. His mind, contented by the warm colors of the flames soon drifted off and his eyes emptied as he fell asleep.  
  
---  
  
As he lay next to the crackling fire, that slowly consumed the branches to keep lit for the rest of the night, the nature around him slowly came to it's peace, though the news of a returned Elf had soon spread beyond a day's journey. Legolas eyes were half closed, discerning nothing as his deep blue pupils seemingly gazed into nothingness. His forehead was slightly frowned. While he had pulled the blanket tightly around his shoulders to warm from the cold that, alike giant wings had spread it's shadow of cold across the land as the winter was close, tiny little clouds of misty air escaped from his mouth as his warm breath blend into the cold air.  
  
It had not been the best time for Legolas to return, but he just had not been willing to be the burden he had become for his friends any longer. Like mist slowly becoming denser and stronger memories appeared in his mind and dull voices slowly became clearer, sounding somewhat concerned, almost panic.....  
  
"It's happening again, in Elbereth's name, what can be done.....Landuya, go get Galadriel, quick, will you?" Oh my prince, what is pestering your agonized soul. Could we only help you. No, no, don't move, what.....no, Oh my prince what's happening to you, Iloreth don't stare at him, quick, go see that Galadriel is on her way.  
  
Prince, .... Prince Legolas, no....don't! Iloreth come back and help me, he is lashing about, he will hurt himself, quick, help me! Hold his legs and take care he is so strong."  
  
The next thing that slowly emerged in his mind was a dull voice, slowly turning clear, powerfully removing the darkness that had befallen his mind. It seemed as if the darkness had covered his mind like a dark veil that was now slowly removed and allowed him to be led into the light again.  
  
".........beth nîn, ..... na ngalad. ....golas.....lasto beth .....galad. Legolas lasto beth nîn, tolo dan na ngalad."  
  
He remembered that he had opened his eyes and gazed into Galadriels blue eyes, his body had pained him and as he glanced over Galadriels shoulder, since he realized some figures were standing there, he beheld Ardiath and Iloreth, two of Galadriels maids. Their hair were tousled and their cheeks were of a slight pink, as if they had run. He tried to sit up and realized that he was hardly able to. Galadriel bend over him, pressing him back onto the floor.  
  
"Don't Legolas, just lie still." She gave him an encouraging smile, which did not conceal a slightly worried expression on her face.  
  
Legolas looked around, gazing from one face to the other, "Why am I lying on the floor?" He whispered as his voice was hardly obeying his mind. Like consciousness returning to a sleeping mind, the memory came to Legolas again and he remembered how he had suddenly felt so cold and alone and how his strength had flown from his mind and body like life must flow from mortal men when their time has come.  
  
"You fell.... she answered, the darkness made you stumble!"  
  
Legolas pupils slowly widened again and a conscious glint appeared in them, as he once again beheld the world around him. The fire was almost down, the embers were yet glowing and some rather large branches that he had put into the fire some hours ago, had been almost totally consumed by the fire and of their former form. They now merely resembled black pieces of coal, that glimmered as the gloomy morning light emerged in the east. Legolas remembered very well what he had dreamt of, as he still saw Galadriels face before him and her words still echoed in his mind keeping his thoughts occupied with the awareness of darkness that made him stumble.  
  
It was true, he knew now. The darkness had made him stumble and it had been making him stumble for the last five month. Of course it had been working on him for many years, it must have been, he thought, but it had not had it's grip hardened enough to finally engulf him, until five month ago. Very well he remembered his first faints and his compulsive tremors as it started. Legolas sat up, moving the blanket around his shoulder as the air was cool and he felt quite chilled. He held his hands in front of the dying fire and enjoyed that warmth that it still radiated.  
  
He got up after a few moments when he was fully awake and eased himself at some distance from the main path that he had camped next too. As he came back he wished he had brought some clear water to quickly wash himself but he only had the leather bottle with the nourishing clear liquid that had been used as a strengthening drink on the ship. This would have to wait until he came to some sort of water source. He considered whether there was anything near by that would be sufficient for his needs but couldn't think of anything. The Mithlond was too far behind, that would mean wasting at least two hours for traveling back. He ought to have considered it, when he had passed by in the night. There was no need to be considering ifs and whens, he had just been overwhelmed by being in Middle earth again and had not thought of his physical needs for that moment. Legolas went down into a crossed-legged position in front of the fire and stoked it with some of the dry leaves that he had gathered the night before. Some of them were covered with morning dew and their surfaces were slightly frozen. This was rather unusual for mid October. As he had stoked the fire and a warm circle spread from it, he turned towards his bag and pulled the leaves with the Lembas from it again. He was still not in any better mood for them but forced himself to eat at least on of the small flat loafs. As he chewed on them the dawn colored the horizon first in brightening grey and Legolas could see that the plain land was covered with slight mist that dissolved as the sun slowly moved above the horizon, now coloring all in a deep red.  
  
He took some sips from his leather bottle again feeling a warm sensation move from his mouth down his throat, eventually warming his stomach and waking his entire spirits. He had forgotten all about the beauty that even a cold morning could bring. He freed his view from the dawn and picked up one of the leaves that was covered with a layer of frozen dew, held it between his fingertips and astounded he marveled at it's beauty. Over the sea where the race of elves had found it's new exile there was only flourishing nature, no autumn, no winter....no decay. It was all beauty and life and it seemed to him that he had no longer fitted into that perfection as his innocent soul had been befouled and that what had befallen him stained his soul.  
  
It had been just unbearable being stared at when his fits came again, as they came more frequent once they had started. He had felt so helpless and a dark vein had slowly started turning his open hearted mind into a dark stronghold, changing all his nature into the opposite direction eventually weakening his strength and will.  
  
No one had wanted him to leave. Not even Galadriel who knew what his fits could cause to him and others.  
  
His eyes followed the delicate veins of the leaf and the tines of the icy crystals, as they melted in the first rays of light. As he watched the wonderful beauty and delicateness of the ice crystals melt away, for the first time in many years, he felt somewhat right and in balance with himself. As for now he belonged here, where beauty wasn't infinite.  
  
As if to prove his thoughts true, he wanted to throw the leaf into the flames, but his hand stopped and his fingers did not release the leaf to become victim of the flames. He once again looked at the leaf and then put it onto the other leaves which still glimmered, covered with icy crystals.  
  
He started chewing on another bite of Lembas and took a deep sip from his bottle to finish his breakfast. As he had finished, he folded the blanket and took a heavy gray cape from his bag, which he slung around his shoulders, it was made of the same material as the grayish blanket but woven more thickly and as soon as he had covered his shoulder he felt the chilled air less penetrating. The extra bundle of cloth that he had been using as a pillow for the night was soon cleaned and stored inside the bag. He took an old knife, which was meant for anything but fighting, from one small pocket at the side of his backpack and walked a few steps towards the path. He placed a small piece of cloth onto the ground and with the knife he started loosening the dry and stiff earth and shove it onto the cloth. As he thought he had enough he closed the cloth around the earth and, after pulling apart the rest of ember from his fire, he emptied the cloth filled with earth over the yet glimmering ashes.  
  
After that his backpack was soon repacked and shouldered, his armory was checked, enough arrows counted in his quiver and after he had checked that the fired had truly been extinguished, he walked on again, directing his step now southeastwards, moving closer to the Tower hills and Far downs.  
  
  
  
Translations:  
  
Legolas lasto beth nîn, tolo dan na ngalad. = Legolas, hear my voice, come back to [the] light.  
  
Now, go grab your keyboards and make my days, satisfy my review-demanding- addiction...if you really want to know where it will all lead to...*lol* 


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